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Wednesday, December 8, 2010


Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage!.. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked!!

I personally believe that divorce is both, the end of your life the way you lived it, and the beginning of a new adventure. “Till death do us part”…or is it “U had better part quickly or you would die sooner”…

I strongly believe in the Yin and Yang, the beginning and the end, the darkness and the light. Is a very hard phase of one’s life to endure but can be one of the best stages of  life as well. I am penning down some thoughts to cheer up some friends  and family  who have gone through a lot!!! And are currently very lonely!! And even lost faith in life!!!

A man who muttered a few words in the church, found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced!

More often than not, relationships don't always work out and when they don't, we try to categorize them into relationship types that are incompatible. Some of us are trying to convert their partner to a better way of life or to a new path! Some of us are always out to save the other physically or emotionally, but not necessarily spiritually. Some bonds are co based on a fascination with exactly how different another person is …the philosophy of opposites attract!!....But we somehow hold on….

The time leading up to, during and even after your divorce can be very stressful. Every aspect of your life is changed during these times. Even without the ability to erase our memories, time can heal anger, resentment and sadness.Let me share some lighter moments….

I still remember at a “kitty” party where all were sharing their own experiences pertaining to being in the domestic market,  and the market value of their husbands,a socialite aunty from Bengaluru  stood up and yelled: "during Diwali, we spoke about being more assertive with our ganda(husband)… Well  I went home after the party  and told my husband that I would no longer be the glorified cook I used to be, and  that he would have to do all the adige(cooking) himself. After the first day nothing changed…. After the second day nothing had changed… But after the third day I saw that he had cooked some lovely chicken biryani and vegetable khorma!!!...my favorite dishes!

A hefty Sardarni stood up and said “ I went home and ordered my hubby  that I would no longer be his dhobi and that he would have to do all the laundry  himself.”  After the first day nothing changed…. After the second day nothing had changed… But after the third day I saw that he had washed and ironed his shirts and pants and washed, starched and iron my salwar kurtas!!!

The last  kitty aunty was a Baniya from UP...She said.. all I told my husband is that I would not buy any grocery for the house henceforth,  and that he would have to do it all himself.” After the first day nothing changed…. After the second day nothing had changed.But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye." …lol…Now for some of us that’s the typical aggressive Indian male that I keep hearing about during a lot of my counselling sessions!!! I would label them the modern domestic “Dhonis and Sehwags”….who play upto the boundaries!..how I wish I could don the role of the third umpire and wave them off!

While we cannot erase our memories, we can heal the bad experiences in our lives. We  surely can learn from our mistakes  from the past and from our bad break-ups,friends who have not been so kind or even family. We can use that knowledge to help sustain our current bonds and friends.

Make no mistake about it friends, relationships are strange creatures. They are entities unto themselves. We can qualify them. We can quantify them. Maybe we can wrap them up into neat little packages and attach a label. There will always be exceptions! But then - that's the psychology of people - exceptions to every rule.The good ,the bad and the ugly!!!

Life is beautiful and it is worth living. You have to pass the obstacles and keep going towards your destination and keep living. Time is surely ticking!!

Divorce my dear Friends, is indeed a big obstacle, but is surely not the end of the world, you can be much happier and peaceful after you deal with it.

Maybe a stepping stone or a stumbling block!!...You decide!!!!


  1. This is such a tough topic to even discuss. But personally, More Pain, Failure and not able to socialize, attend festivals peacefully, feel like committed crime. Whole 03 years of precious time to come out of it. Till today I am not able to say Just go with it, though I live & love and pick up whatever comes in life of today...
    Thanks for understanding the peoples pain & God be with you now and ever !!!!!

  2. I know 5 friends,very close friends who have been through this!!!!One friend and his wife were and are good friends of mine 10 years after their divorce.The pain and anguish they went through before and during the process,i knew it firsthand.Horrible!!!!Now that they are divorced,they have successfully moved on,remarried,have kids,live normally!!!very successfully,too!!I am still friends with both of them and know how difficult it was for them to handle society!!!Not to mention,family!!!Beautifully penned!!!

  3. Both marriage and divorce are a big gamble, one can gain and/or lose heftily! As intimacy grows in relationships, unknown factor surfaces thanks to intimacy as in it it bears all and one gets unsettled while adjusting to the unknown. But we gain in truth about each other and we can be better off if only we accept. Because, leaving and opting entails yet again the same story. Anyway, the story is well told Ushyji, as usual!

  4. Memsaab, you did a nice job -- congratulations. Well, it's such a complicated issue that I am not sure what to say! I think two major factors (minimally in the West/USA) contribute to Divorce -- wealth & sex. I never chased the first item & materially constrained second one while placing no lease on my imagination when looked through my mind – ha ha he he! So -- after almost 31 years of marriage -- it's still rocking! Yes, I have seen many -- becomes pathetic for the kids & non working women! I heard it’s increasing rapidly in my Motherland -- may be charming ladies are compensating thousand years of male hegemony plus certain worthless Western values (please note that copycats always have a tendency to pick trash, not gems). I hope I didn't say anything bad -- if did inadvertently, I beg your/others pardon. Please keep on doing good work -- best wishes & good luck.

  5. I think the most difficult stage in the process of a divorce probably is the one where you finally make the decision to actually do it. I'm sure in many marriages 2 people are still together, married on paper only, for the simple reason that they fear that official step of getting divorced. And guilt is what makes it so difficult. Leaving an unhappy union might be the best for all parties involved but then the question arises: will you be able to live with the guilt, and live happily with that guilt?

  6. When its time to part ways.. its strange that you still wish that the parting does not happen. But it happens like quick sand. Things happen in such a pace that there is no looking back at all. People forget the good times spent in past. The good things done in past. Two loving souls become their worst of enemies. Such is the irony of life.

    My advise to all.. if you marry, be your mature best. At all times.

  7. Just watched "Eat pray love" there is much to be gleaned from that film.
    In this country the Indian community is quite still in a " time warp capsule" from which ever decade they left India I have always felt that it would have been easier had I divorced whilst in India . Rather than be a pariah here.