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Sunday, December 26, 2010

"BITTER CHOCOLATE"...Could it get any worse?

"BITTER CHOCOLATE"...Could it get any worse?

“Scotch tape and Staples are all that’s holding civilization together

There was a lot of commotion in the Khan household. It was 6 pm, and their lovely nine-year-old daughter, Safiya had not yet returned from tuitions. Had she lost her way? Was she doing some shopping on her way back home? Or was she lost? Had something happened to her?

 I’m sure some of  us would have panicked in similar situations. Yes, Safiya did come back home,friends. She got delayed chatting with friends.

Well,would you be shocked and surprised, if I told yo all that Safiya was probably much safer on the streets of Bangalore than at home! 

No two children are the same, especially if one is yours and the other one isn’t!!!

Home is where the abuse is!... 
Dipti has never been like this before. The little girl shuns the company of friends, and has been bed wetting for the last few weeks. More badly, her teacher has informed her parents that she has not been doing her lessons properly.

There are many Diptis who maybe harboring these strange withdrawal symptoms, indicating they are trying to cover up a shame that should not have been theirs in the first place!

Going by estimates the childhood of 4 out of every 10 in India is snatched away by predators within the family. Western statistics are more alarming. Its 6 out of every 10 girls. That is, a close family member sexually abuses them.

 It’s surely a case of “Protector turning Predator” The cases could actually be more but are generally hushed up being a home affair. Child abusers could include any members of the family, immediate or distant.

If you could try to analyze two different situations which I’m going to narrate now, then surely you would be clear on what would be your line of approach to a similar problem in case you encounter any.

In Anjali’s case it was her uncle. She went into a shell after her harrowing experience and confided in her mother after a week.

However Preeti’s suffering never got reported! It was worse than that of Anjali.She remained in a state of shock for years because it was her own father, who was the perpetrator.

When Preeti’s mother came to know about it she faced a strange predicament!... Neither was she able to take any action against her husband, nor was she able to provide any consolation to her daughter!!

 Today Preeti though grown up, terms her mother a bigger abuser than her father as she never came to her rescue and instead kept a mute onlooker.

At this juncture, let me remind you that many people have trained their conscience to roll over and play dead... This is a highly sensitive issue rarely discussed. A staggering 82% of girls and women questioned in a survey conducted by NIMHANS reported an experience of abuse. That’s just in Bangalore alone.

Modern research has revealed that childhood abuse does not only affect the child’s present condition, but also causes permanent physical changes to the developing brain—Changes that could cause psychological problems in adulthood.

The research team identified four abnormalities in the brain that were much more prevalent in adults who had been abused as children:

-Likely to develop epileptic seizures
-Intense emotions such as sadness, embarrassment, anger.
-Explosive laughter (usually without feeling happy)
-Abnormal EEG and deficient development of left side of the brain. (Poor memory n frequent depression)

The whole issue of incestuous abuse exposes the irony of home as a source of refuge. Of course young boys and girls are sexually abused but the girls abused outnumber the boys.

Hence, I wish for you to know that sexual abuse is not just a case of gender, but of violence that needs to be fought on every platform.

 Problems would lessen if only people would listen. Please help me with some solutions together in an effort to stop “truth decay”

The right angle to approach a menace such as this would be the “try angle”

Another grim statistic reported by RAHI (Recovering and Healing from Incest) a Delhi based organization showed that the safety is not necessarily guaranteed within the family’s friend’s network, as 2/3rds of those who suffered molestation were victims of trusted adults.

Most often people discuss only the “stranger- danger” theory. This threat is easier to confront than the prospect of talking about abuse from within the family.

Despite large number of victims, only 12.8% chose professional help to deal with the trauma.

Friends who go through my Blog,I request all of you to please look beyond statistical findings. This is about human beings, individuals who have had to carry a horrible burden for life. The weakness of  man is a thing to be feared  and not his strength. Today,this is the real issue, which has to be dealt with.

I’m sure at least a few us right here in FB would have experienced the “indecent touch” maybe even virtually!!

The best way to put down abuse is to stop putting up with it.

 Please do observe and identify any physical and behavioral changes in children you know, such as depression, hysterical reactions, deep sense of isolation, physically hurting oneself abusive language and promiscuity.

Once we thought the world was flat, then round. Now, we sure know a lot of it is crooked!! Lets straighten it out when we can.

Friends,you must remember, as responsible adults we, could prevent gross levels of abuse. One needs to be extremely vigilant and make sure we run routine checks on not just friends and relatives when with children, but also members of the family. That “blind” faith and trust factor could surely be minimized.

Try to analyze close friends and relatives thoughts for most often abuse begins in the mind. A man has to think wrong before doing wrong!.. To know what is right and not do it, is as bad as doing wrong. From today, I appeal to all of you to help me amplify that small, still voice in a child.

Truth doesn’t ever die, but man’s indifference just paralyzes it!!

The trouble with children is that they can’t grow up to be anything but an adult.

I am sure you have to agree with me when i say... “It’s better to bring up strong children than repair broken adults.”.....I have begun to hate Chocolate!..Its beginning to taste very Bitter!!!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Till death do us part…BIG SHIT NO CHIEF!!!!

Till death do us part……

Life's biggest challenge is deciding what's important - then disregarding the rest.

Life in Dentistry is not all despair; there is a hilarious side to it too! I got to witness it during this week end.To break the tedium of people’s daily struggle to survive, in the mayhem that prevails in the absence of anything resembling governance, there are entertaining, almost comical, distractions provided by the architects of professional despair – the aspiring honchos of certain specialties or may I refer to them as “Chief”. ..or even better “Big Chief”

Corruption is so well prevalent in this world that it has become a tool for people to be ahead of others using short cut methods. The science of Psychology states that every person wants to be ahead of the other by using any means. To get anything done in this world without sweat u need to pay a bribe or else wait in the queue which never ends.

Education is a crutch with which the foolish attack the wise to prove that they are not idiots…said Karl Kraus…People find it more convenient to bribe and lament later than to fight it out then and there!

The Reality is that a person in position becomes wealthy. He becomes powerful and no body questions how he has earned that wealth. He is capable of destroying any one coming on his way…and I for one have been a victim to this “removing anyone coming his way” remedy!

What strikes one, is how the people have become immune to corruption. Are their skins so thick? Are their consciences so dulled and dead? Fraternity in fact becomes the best advocates for the corrupt! Why for heavens sake can’t the members choose a capable leader?..and not just a temporarily preferred choice?

What comes first-the calibre,speciality/science or the merely a position offered by a scientific society? Just a measly dinner (of course with unlimited intoxicants and financial aid demanded from investors) or even an authoritative phone call from a past “guru” would influence us to exercise a CHOICE which could be based on competence rather than obligation? The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voters said Winston Churchill…how true!

The biggest blow to the scientific credibility (if it has any left) is the appointment of a moron of the lowest order, who is already an active member of a blemished body as Chef de Mission! This surely goes to prove that nothing limits achievement like small thinking!

Gosh!… Till death do us part…

Maybe some colleagues may opine it is again democratic decency to accept the verdict of a registered society.. .As though there were none with an unblemished record!..This goes to prove that as far as balloting is concerned it follows no moral values and probity in it’s choices but has only its own vested interest! To safeguard its own omissions it has handpicked some people and placed them in constitutionally deemed highest posts.

It is ridiculous for members to not empower themselves with the knowledge required to exercise their ballots in a fair and just manner. Maybe some of our predecessors had also resorted to nepotism but, what I saw is nothing which feels short of a mind bogging SCAM!

 Two wrongs will not make a right! How can one compare a robber and a terrorist?  I surely see that there is an indication of righting the wrong. One the one hand you have a dynamic visibly competent potential leader and the other hand a dullard who has absolutely no track record whatsoever!...have educated and experienced people turned so myopic?

One of our biggest drawbacks is that we do not take responsibility for anything. If the nation is corrupt government is to blame. If the society is corrupt surely not my problem. This denial precludes any improvement in our society. Are we actually expecting someone to come from outside or even an incarnation to get the society rid of these vices? 

We have to act in our own small ways if things are to improve, otherwise time is not far that we will be the most corrupt in the world. second issue is our own conceptualization and perception of corruption, that is why many feel stealing from the government is OK, Or I just picked up a little(lesser in degree) , or everyone does this so it is expectable. This tendency to justify personal shortcomings and blatant thefts leads to this culture of corruption. It cannot be relative, cannot be in terms of degree of corruption, as small events breed tendency for more corruption.

I pity all the members who have helped dent and denigrate the highest constitutional post! How literal could “dentists” get!

Now to tackle corruption - where do we start and how?

Only solution would be becoming a “Rambo” or the "Indian" or "Wednesday" movie way. That would be 100% remedy .I don’t see any other solution. If anyone can give an alternate solution, I would love to hear it as I have been thinking about this for years together!

The duds in power must realize that this profession is not one of nincompoops and zombies. We are professionals capable with tremendous common sense and are highly intelligent scientifically and socially. They cannot try and play the ‘God Father’ story or “The D company” story in India. In my opinion they cannot take us for a ride all the time. There is a limit to tolerance.

When it was the entire King’s men story with the regulatory cartel I knew we had thrown all Ethics to the winds of so called democracy. Having gained majority by mere numbers by tokenism and offering silly favors and promises surely do not mean the Chair has the vote of the people. This is going to be the moron’s biggest liability when a healthy society soon realizes that those who did not understand an iota of democracy, handpicked the Chief!...merely by numbers!!!...just for a few favors more!

This currently elected Chief is so capable that he would never be heard until he farts!...of course quite a coat hanger too!....atypical case of Big shit No Chief!

Till death do us part!!!...some morons are married to TITLES!

Leadership in my opinion is not a one-day thing. It is a constant commitment
 to excellence, a habit . . . a daily practice……

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage!.. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked!!

I personally believe that divorce is both, the end of your life the way you lived it, and the beginning of a new adventure. “Till death do us part”…or is it “U had better part quickly or you would die sooner”…

I strongly believe in the Yin and Yang, the beginning and the end, the darkness and the light. Is a very hard phase of one’s life to endure but can be one of the best stages of  life as well. I am penning down some thoughts to cheer up some friends  and family  who have gone through a lot!!! And are currently very lonely!! And even lost faith in life!!!

A man who muttered a few words in the church, found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced!

More often than not, relationships don't always work out and when they don't, we try to categorize them into relationship types that are incompatible. Some of us are trying to convert their partner to a better way of life or to a new path! Some of us are always out to save the other physically or emotionally, but not necessarily spiritually. Some bonds are co based on a fascination with exactly how different another person is …the philosophy of opposites attract!!....But we somehow hold on….

The time leading up to, during and even after your divorce can be very stressful. Every aspect of your life is changed during these times. Even without the ability to erase our memories, time can heal anger, resentment and sadness.Let me share some lighter moments….

I still remember at a “kitty” party where all were sharing their own experiences pertaining to being in the domestic market,  and the market value of their husbands,a socialite aunty from Bengaluru  stood up and yelled: "during Diwali, we spoke about being more assertive with our ganda(husband)… Well  I went home after the party  and told my husband that I would no longer be the glorified cook I used to be, and  that he would have to do all the adige(cooking) himself. After the first day nothing changed…. After the second day nothing had changed… But after the third day I saw that he had cooked some lovely chicken biryani and vegetable khorma!!!...my favorite dishes!

A hefty Sardarni stood up and said “ I went home and ordered my hubby  that I would no longer be his dhobi and that he would have to do all the laundry  himself.”  After the first day nothing changed…. After the second day nothing had changed… But after the third day I saw that he had washed and ironed his shirts and pants and washed, starched and iron my salwar kurtas!!!

The last  kitty aunty was a Baniya from UP...She said.. all I told my husband is that I would not buy any grocery for the house henceforth,  and that he would have to do it all himself.” After the first day nothing changed…. After the second day nothing had changed.But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye." …lol…Now for some of us that’s the typical aggressive Indian male that I keep hearing about during a lot of my counselling sessions!!! I would label them the modern domestic “Dhonis and Sehwags”….who play upto the boundaries!..how I wish I could don the role of the third umpire and wave them off!

While we cannot erase our memories, we can heal the bad experiences in our lives. We  surely can learn from our mistakes  from the past and from our bad break-ups,friends who have not been so kind or even family. We can use that knowledge to help sustain our current bonds and friends.

Make no mistake about it friends, relationships are strange creatures. They are entities unto themselves. We can qualify them. We can quantify them. Maybe we can wrap them up into neat little packages and attach a label. There will always be exceptions! But then - that's the psychology of people - exceptions to every rule.The good ,the bad and the ugly!!!

Life is beautiful and it is worth living. You have to pass the obstacles and keep going towards your destination and keep living. Time is surely ticking!!

Divorce my dear Friends, is indeed a big obstacle, but is surely not the end of the world, you can be much happier and peaceful after you deal with it.

Maybe a stepping stone or a stumbling block!!...You decide!!!!