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Wednesday, June 6, 2012

The Crap Trap

A poll conducted recently concluded that when you sit on the potty , both feet are evenly placed=33.33%, left foot is ahead of right=6.67%, right foot is ahead of left=13.33%, almost rarely both feet up in air!

Yesterday the country and TV Channels were abuzz with a new LOOk was discussed countrywide…mouth wide open and hesitating to crap! Thanks to MontekStink AaahLOOwalia!

Some Facts Before We Decide on this CRAP:
LOOk before You LOOt!
  • The top three richest people in the world possess more financial assets than the combined assets of the poorest 10% of the world! If we take the current the world population as 7 billion, we have 3 richest people holding wealth more than 70 crore of poor people in the world! 
  • Today we live in a world where 25000 people die of starvation every day. Thus in a period of two years, the number of casualties due to hunger related ailments is equivalent to the population of the city of New York! And in the same world a new billionaire is created every alternate day. Are we LOOsing track of reality? 
  • IPL is the second highest-paid league in the world, second only to the NBA in the US. It is estimated that the average salary of an IPL player over a year would be $3.95 `million, which is approximately 20 crore Indian Rupees. It means he earns 5.5 lacs a day….. Less than 32 rupees a day and 5.5 lacs a day?
  • What does it mean to be below the poverty line? It means that your earning is less than or equal to 32 rupees a day! If you go to Park Square mall in Bangalore, for one hour parking you pay 30 rupees! LOOting people? 
  • In India, 37percent of the people are below poverty line that means 444 million people, which is larger than the population of United States. 40% of the Indian villages still remain without electricity, which means 240000 villages! LOOming darkness? 
Munificent expenditure by a body that designs India's economic blueprint - its five year plans - and which had controversially said that Indians who spend more than Rs. 32 a day in cities are above the poverty line? 
Imagine a Smart Card to Crap! Real VIP Crap!
35 lakhs on renovating two toilets at its offices in Delhi? Of the Rs 35 lakh spent by the Commission renovating two toilets at Yojana Bhawan, Rs 5.19 lakh were spent on a “door access control system”, which allows only 60 “very high dignitaries” provided with smart cards to use these international airport-grade restrooms. What shit was that? Shit casteism? - Very high dignitaries with very “low” intent?

The planning commission surely has one standard for the poor and another for the rich!

There is a popular reformist LOOkalike Baba who suggests "Mukta Pavaan Aasan" to combat this lavish excretion of the country’s natural human resources! Of course in "man made" exorbitant Crap Traps! Guess it's all in the name Ahhhh...LOOwalia!

Maybe its time for MontekStink to join NASA…Some gas and a nice flame with both feet in the air, and he will be in perfect lift off position!

He will be able to prove that men can fly! Perfect Crap for 35 lakhs!.....LOOsers!
Hope at least one day, we see an Angry Surd running out from these 2 toilets screaming "Eureka" to solve the problem of Poverty of India! Jai Hind!


  1. 53% still remains without toilet in india.well i personally think in toilet well i dont feel so ki VIPS tend to have a differnt urine pathway.or they urinate by doing dance .Its good that they have not used diamonds in the sheets

    1. Oye Dr Iyer

      Thank you Thank you!

      Thanks for coming by!

      Lots of good wishes

  2. as usual a very nice READ and very nicely written piece but let me not waste my praise on you :)

    rather let me praise the Mr. Ahluwalia for his manifestation of sheer double standards and hypocrisy by Planning Commission which is set to eradicate poverty, improve living standards amongst its many other roles. but it seems that PC (here i refer Planning Commission and not the other beholder of this abbreviation)seems to have taken the objective of "improving living standards" lil too far and personal by working on their own standards sorry shit-tan-tards or toilet by spending a 'meagre' rs.35lakh. and that too for "60 top officials", my god this is really funny in a democratic nation (last time i checked we still proclaimed that we are democratic) or is it that the "produce" of "top officials" does not stink as much as "non-top" officials, maybe some scientific medical theory proves that!

    the timing of this expense could not have been more ominous as the country's economy is fighting tooth and nail to "uplift" the value of its "ever depreciating" Rupee. GDP hasn't increased, rather nosediving; farmers' suicides continue and the same PC stirring the nation apart by its ' god knows where' sourced definition of poverty.

    in such a scenario this expense is an unabashedly shameless manifestation of neglect of country; neglect of a commitment towards improving the situation and most importantly the neglect of any commitment or respect for human value but then the PC, Mr. Montek Ahluwalia are governed and led by the most shameless govt this coutry could ever see.

    we will talk about that some other day!

    1. Hi Jai

      Thank you for coming by?
      "but let me not waste my praise on you :)" ????

      Goodness m what did that mean?
      Feedback is the breakfast of the champions!

      Lots of lovely stuff u have shared....Gratitude

      best wishes

  3. Doc Ushy, this article, [or do I say this whenever you post a new one]is the best from your pen. Too much of the LOO problem in it. The renovation of two toilets for a measly sum of Rs. 35 lakhs is a great achievement for the Planning Commission. [However FYI my house consisting of 3 bedrooms, two toilets, a big drawing dining, verandah and porch had costed Rs.35 lakhs, but no commission given here or there.
    The upper strata of India have around Rs. 3 Trillion outside circulation stashed elsewhere, which explains why we could not repair/re-metal our roads even after 63 years of independence.
    Well done Doc, LOOking forward to your new post, which will always be enlightening.

    1. Hey Ravi

      Thank you!
      Always a pleasure interacting with you!
      Love it when you go through and share some views.
      Felt LOOvely to go through your comments!
      Pls do keep coming back!

      Lots of regards

  4. Dear UMD [Ushy the Montek Destroyer!],

    Param Anand! As if I have had a great session in the loo and been hugely relieved of my constipation!

    Shuddh Anand! Your prose is a great textual cartoon. Every sentence packed with rough edged strokes that does both—pleases and pains. It is a tailor-made script for a standup comedian to go and deliver—hard hitting punches, wrapped in the most soul-stirring messages.

    Ok, when do I get to read your next post, UMD – Ushy The ManMohan Destroyer?

    1. Dear Raghunath

      Lots of gratitude for coming by and sharing!

      Had a hearty laugh with the UMD acronym!

      Thank you for allowing me some insights into "textual cartooning" heheheehe!

      In fact sumtimes write on another funny blog labelled "textual massage" ;-)

      Mum Mohan is on its way! taking time SLOW and SILENT!

      Lots of good wishes

  5. Apart from the seriousness of the issue, there is sufficient reason to laugh - (1) at the witty eloquence of your pen and (2) at the equally humorous comment by Raghuji :):).

    Anyway, onto the subject, you have provided details worthy of Montezuma's revenge that will need the comfort of 35L toilets for comfort. Astonishing is the fact that AlooWalia in his unsullied ignorance chose to renovate his own shit houses when the nation is suffocating from acute inflation and dysentery like receding economy! Either he has his brains between his legs or it is a direct challenge at a helpless nation whose worth is deemed at only Rs.32/- a day against his shit worth an exorbitant Rs.5.5L!!! Heights of absurdity was the addition of Smart Card Systems - is their shit that precious so to speak?? WTF - mocking the country and its inhabitants to utter irrationality.

    Except for the bits of ridicule that our mainstream media
    managed to extract, mostly for their own TRPs than any intent to address the wasteful expenditure, and some hard hitting criticism the social media blared, the issue was buried, forgotten and overtaken by more interesting subjects like the Chidambaram indictment and the Sanjay Joshi resignation.....as is habitual of us the Indian Public!

    But of course, your outstanding excerpt on the subject will remain in the minds of us readers for a long time to come!! eh! Do look forward to more of what you capture of this erratic government and it's policies. Jai Mataji!

  6. My Dear Prash

    Always very heartening comments!
    Thank you for appreciating and giving me feed back on style and the content!
    What a sad state our lovely country is heading towards!
    Keep coming back and sharing!

    Lots of good wishes